MIA

So I intended to get back on the ball with blogging and then disaster struck.

On Friday, Sept 11 at 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant I went to my regular scheduled appointment as happy as can be. I returned home at the lowest of lows. For more than an hour my doctor searched profusely for my child's heartbeat. It was determined that I had a missed miscarriage 2 1/2 weeks prior to my appointment. We scheduled a D&C for the upcoming Monday and I was left to grieve with my husband overseas.

I bought 3 books intended to help me cope with being the wife of a sailor, but no book could have prepared me for this tragedy. My husband and I grieve together through email. We have spoken less than ten minutes on the phone. I've picked up drinking and a new antidepressant and he has picked up smoking again. The only thing that keeps me semi stable are my children and the one friend I have made on this base.

How do you recover from this? How do you get the desire to "try again"? Why would I want to put myself through this sort of pain again? For now I plan to keep myself busy. I started a new gym membership, school started yesterday, and of course I have 2 healthy boys. After a busy day I still have to lay in my bed alone though. No husband to hear my sobs and wipe my tears. No hug. No cuddling and his voice telling me how strong I am. I too am unable to comfort him. He is left to get through this on a ship in the middle of nowhere. The best I can do for him is attempt to make him believe that I am okay so he doesn't worry too much.

I have no idea whether we were having a girl or boy so all I can do is call my angel, child. I have no clue exactly when my child passed away so I'm only able to go by the day my child left my stomach.

I know I am strong. I know "I can" get through this. I still have one question though, WHY?