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Day 44

It feels like he left so long ago.

It's been almost 4 weeks since I lost my baby. Pregnant women are everywhere and I'm scared it's going to drive me insane. I started therapy last week and go again tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's going to help or not.  I prefer self medicating with alcohol even though I know it's not the right attitude to have. I think we've decided to wait to try again once Kari is on shore duty. I'm going to be close to 30 years old  by then. Crazy how things work out.

Today is Columbus day and the kids are home from school. I don't know how I feel about some of the holidays we celebrate in America. How do you discover something that wasn't lost to begin with? I'm not going to get into my personal feelings about that at the moment though. I just hope and pray me kids don't drive me insane today.

Deployments are so hard on relationships. Men allow their minds to be polluted with nonsense. While we should be enjoying the fact that we are able to communicate instead we're arguing about the dumbest things ever. I understand why military families have the highest divorce rate. This lifestyle is stressful, but what I don't understand is why you willingly join this lifestyle and then become a statistic. I really hope my husband gets his mind right, because I don't think he realizes what an impact his e-mails have on me. Everyday I anticipate the time of day he writes me only to read the most heartbreaking words ever. On top of that I have to be the bigger person because I'm suppose to be understanding about what he's going through out at sea.

I can't wait until Wednesday. I'm finally having my wisdom teeth pulled. I can't believe it's been eight years since I've been to the dentist and I didn't have a single cavity.

I didn't work out at all this past week. I need to get back in my groove before I have one of those gross pudgy tummies from drinking so much. Another blog I read has inspired me to think about running. I think if I start now I might be pretty good by the time hubby gets home. Plus that will be something we can do together. Hmmm....I guess we'll just have to see where that idea goes.

I need to start taking pictures again. I don't think I've taken a single candid shot since the baby passed. I feel bad too because I keep telling hubby I'm going to send him pics of me and the kids. Lately the only pics I'm in are the ones my friends take which is crazy because I'm normally quite the camera whore. Speaking of pictures, both of the boys have received their school pics so I will have to upload those soon.

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